Shame: The Inner Disease and Codependency Trap

Shame can make a person feel deeply uneasy with who they are. It is not just the thought, “I did something wrong.” It can become the painful belief, “There is something wrong with me.” When a child grows up carrying that kind of shame, they may not have many positive feelings toward themselves. They may feel unlovable, unwanted, not valuable, or uncomfortable in their own skin. Because those feelings are so painful, the brain begins looking for a way to escape them. But if the child has already concluded that their inside is the problem, they usually do not look inward for the solution. Instead, they begin looking outward. They may start to believe, “If someone else feels good about me, then maybe I can feel okay for a while too.” This is one way codependency can begin. The person learns to borrow their sense of worth from other people’s approval, attention, affection, or emotional response. It may bring temporary relief, but it does not resolve the shame underneath.